And so we run on and on in circles, blind as night

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It's been a while, hasn't it?

It's been a month, actually. Since the last time I did this, and frankly, that last bit was supposed to be the end of it.

But that would be too easy. That would be waywayway too easy. You see, my brain doesn't like to complicate things, but my heart always will. Oh, but my heart isn't involved in this anymore, not at all. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Do you understand? Probably not. The most you've said to me since forever was "hey" as you passed by, and even still I don't exist when we cross paths.

And we cross paths way more than we should. It's not okay, really.

But there's someone else now. Someone else that I like a lot, and you have to know that you're getting in the way. Because he knows. I'm on tumblr now, and on tumblr I've started just writing to him, and not you. But for whatever reason I've fled back here to write to you some more, because I guess even though that last bit was supposed to be the end of it, there's always more to say.

You were my first love. Does that make sense? Does that explain it all? You stick to me like peanut butter sticks to my tongue. The memories I have with you are in everything I touch now, and it's something I've come to live with, because it doesn't make me all that heartbroken anymore. What it does do, though, is make me hold those memories closer.

Because I love the person who's in them. And that person isn't you.

Rather, you aren't that person anymore, or at least that part of you is gone for now. You're not going to show it to anyone because you weren't comfortable with it in the first place. So keep running around with all those girls because I really need you to not be the same person you were with me, because my thoughts would burn to pieces if you still were the same person and...

I can't even finish that thought.

I surmise that in conclusion my heart isn't in this anymore at all because it doesn't make me heartbroken, it just makes me sad. But it's definitelydefinitelydefinitely in this because...well, I don't love the person I'm with and I don't think I ever will, really, because that's just the depth of relationship we have. I like him, I like him a lot. For a while now. But I don't love him. I loved you. And when I'm honest with myself, I realize I'm still in love with the you that was mine...the you that might never have existed, if I didn't know better.

We'll see if this gives me closure. But now I realize I can never consider the book closed until I'm six feet under.

Coded by MollieBlue with love.